The reason for my blogging silence is due to how busy I’ve been re-building my web site, since the B@**@&&S at Sitesled deleted my music web site with no warning or reason for doing so. I’d been running out of space on there anyway – so I decided to spend some money and host my own instead!

You’ll find me now at www.duckspace.co.uk – in which I’ve not only uploaded my musical projects, but am branching out in other areas too…

It’s quite exciting, since I’ve been faffing around with other projects for a while now, but never really felt the need to put them on the internet – but hey, I now have 3GB of web space (well, duck space) – so I thought – why not start building my global empire now before I get too old and need to rely on a steady diet of prune juice and soup to keep me motivated.

That’s funny, cause I saw a guy when I was walking home tonight with a giant 30 badge on him, and I thought – uh-oh, that’ll be me real soon. I guess thirty ain’t so bad, but it sure sounds f*****g ancient when you have to remind yourself on a daily basis that you’re not 19 any more!

I’m excited about the new software I programmed since I was e-mailed by a software developer and it’s kinda fun to think of myself as one of these geeky nerdy type guys who might end up giving Bill Gates a run for his money (yeah right) – although I do tend to give everything away for free in the hope that I will just get some recognition in one of my chosen creative communities one of these days.

On my headstone it should read – “could have been rich, but neglected to understand the concept of commerce” – then the hoodie yobs can graffiti it with derogatory remarks about me being a communist – (if they can spell communist by then ??)

But hey, I like being skint – because when I have money, I always spend it on stupid stuff anyway and wonder why the hell I didn’t invest it in something sensible, or something I’d at least use more than once? – This kind of attitude should be a recognised mental illness and have a fancy name like “absurd profound retail syndrome” – I could do with something else to put next to my migraines when asked about health issues on my employment forms!

Plus, I’m pretty sure 99% of women already suffer from this kind of illness – I mean, why buy a pair of shoes that you’re never going to wear and then refuse to throw them out ?

Robert Palmer – who programmed Clickster !

He explains that he was checking out the competiton on download.com and came across my Freeloader application – which was only just added to a few freeware libraries a few days ago!

Anyway, it really made me feel great – as instead of seeing me as an enemy – invading his territory, he writes…

Hello Colin,

I’m the author of an mp3 downloader called Clickster
(http://www.remlapsoftware.com/clickster.htm) and I was checking out
the competition and new releases on download.com when I came across
your Freeloader application.

Anyway, I thought I’d drop you an email to congratulate you on a
really good concept and I wish you every success with this project.

Greetings from Lincolnshire

Rob

- Thanks Rob – this e-mail meant a lot to me as Freeloader is really my first public application!

I don’t really expect it to take-off, but since I already programmed it to handle my music downloads, I thought I may as well give it a shot and expand it’s capabilities to allow other unsigned artists and bands to add their own stuff to it.

It reminds me of the days when I used to run a web site about Siberian Huskies called “Husky Net”.  People would e-mail me and tell me good things about my site.  It was tough keeping it up-to-date though, and there was a constant war with the British & Scottish Husky clubs – they didn’t appreciate me advertising breeders on my site, since the breed should be protected and never become a mainstream domestic pet (due to mistreated dogs / strays etc..) – so I let the web site dissolve and thought I’d leave it to those guys instead!

Anyway, just wanted to share that since it’s always nice to hear from other creative minds and be told that you came up with a good concept.  I will sleep with a smile on my face tonight! ^_^

I was complaining about my insomnia – and Suzanne recommended I try “Night Nurse”, as both her husband and herself find it works during times of sleeplessness. So I bought a big bottle of the stuff on my lunch break from the Pharmacy!

We ended up talking about sleeping pills, and I described an experience I had when my wife gave me one of her’s which totally freaked me out. I was laying there in bed thinking “this isn’t working, I still can’t sleep”, when the next thing I knew – I was walking around my bedroom and things looked a little trippy.

The bedroom light was turned on, I didn’t remember getting out of bed – and my wife wasn’t in the room or in bed at all. That’s when I realised that I must have been dreaming, because I knew I should be laying in bed next to my wife in the dark.

It didn’t seem like a dream though because I could feel the floor under my feet, so I walked over to the bed to perform an experiment. I started rubbing my hands on the covers because I knew I would be able to feel everything I touched with my hands – as if it were completely real and I was actually there.

Sure enough, I could feel the bed sheet with my hands – every sensation was completely real – yet I knew that I was actually asleep. This started to freak me out. So I tried to wake myself up to prove that I hadn’t gone completely mad and that I was actually asleep in bed.

I began shaking my head violently and it took perhaps 40 seconds, which seemed more like 10 minutes at the time before I finally woke up – in the dark, still lying in bed next to my wife. I woke up shaking my head in bed and was panic stricken with fear. – I explained to Jacquie what had happened, but she just looked at me like I’d gone a bit mad.

After hearing this, Suzanne told me that both her husband and Suzanne had experience something called “night terrors”, in which you become completely paralysed with fear when you are asleep and you can only move your eyes. After Stephanie confirmed this, and said that it happened after breaking-up in a relationship and being on her own – several times – I realised that I too had experienced one of these “night terrors”.

MY NIGHT TERROR:

In my night terror, I was laying on my back in bed trying to get to sleep, and the next thing I knew – I head the bedroom door open and heard someone walking into my bedroom. The thing was I knew I was completely on my own – so I became very scared wondering who the hell was walking into my room in the middle of the night shortly after breaking up with my wife.

I wanted to turn my head to look to see if I could see somebody, or perhaps turn a light on or something – or even speak – but I was completely paralysed! – I was unable to move a single muscle of my body – yet I was fully concious.

Then, the footsteps walked around to the side of the bed that Jacquie slept on when we were still together – and I not only heard it, but I felt somebody climb into bed next to me. I even then heard a little moan of a voice and it sounded exactly like Jacquie’s moan as if she was pleased to be finally lying next to me.

I cannot explain the sheer and utter terror which filled me at this moment – I was unable to move, not sure if I was awake or dreaming and wonderfing if somebody had actually just gotten into bed with me. Perhaps 2 seconds after the moan – I jolted upright and I had control of my muscles again. I was sweating and completely out of breath with panic.

I turned the light on and saw that there was nobody in bed next to me, and nobody in the room with me. It took me quite a while to get back to sleep after that. The strange thing about it was that if I was asleep – then the point of dreaming and waking up were completely seamless – I was unable to tell the difference between the dream and reality and all of my perceptions were continual (including what I could see and feel and even the exact position of where I was laying at the time.

It kinda make me feel better knowing what I had experienced all those months ago – and seeing that other people have also experienced this phenomenon – at least I know I’m not completely crazy – but I can tell you that one was bad enough – and I hope to God that I never have another Night Terror as long as I live!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_terrors

Actually, upon reading Wikipedia – I think what I actually experienced was sleep paralysis which came with it’s own “very real” hallucination. This means I probably was awake and concious – but I was also temporarily paralysed and hallucinating too! – Shit! – That makes me think twice about trying LSD – I always wanted to try LSD so I could experience a hallucination, but I no longer think hallucinations are funny – they’re terrifying because you can’t tell the difference between reality and psychological trickery – and that is very frightening!

Then again, no matter how bad your hallucination is when taking acid – you can tell yourself that you’re hallucinating – you can expect it since you invited it into your brain.  But when it shows up uninvited like that – it’s pretty freaky.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

This week however, we acquired a new band member – “Paul” who is now playing bass. Bob – who was playing bass is now playing rhythm guitar. So our formation is now as follows…

Martin: Lead guitar / rhythm.

Bob: Rhythm guitar / Lead.

Paul: Bass guitar.

Me: Vocals.

(Now all we need is a drummer!)

Martin played me what he called a “happy” song – however, I felt that it was perfect for a really deep emotional (kinda slightly sad song). I’d already started writing some lyrics for a song called “Insomnia” – since it seems relevant to my current sleepless situation – (and I ain’t even in Seattle!)

I immediately started writing some lyrics for a song about a good friend of mine from school / college called Jamie who died recently. The trajedy came as quite a shock to me. I’d bumped into him over Christmas and he told me then that he had cancer, but the thing is – I just found out today off Cheryl that he’d beat the bowel cancel and actually died of pneumonia! – Not something you expect to have to deal with as a 29 year old ??

I was slightly pissed that I’d missed his funeral the day I found out about it, and it’d been playing on my mind for a while – since I’d been texting him and trying to get him to catch up with me over a few beers. He said that his chemo made him a bit tired – and I sort of took the piss out of him a bit to my other friends who were round at the time of texting him – so now I feel totally shit.

So, I wrote a song about all of this – him being a good friend to me, some of the good times we shared and me being totally pissed off that he had to die and I can now never see him again. We’ve pretty much got the whole song figured out and it sounds really good – it’ll be nice if we get to do it at some gigs in honour of Jamie!

It’s just a shame he’ll never get to hear it.

So, I’m looking forward to next week down in the studio to finish it off and hopefully get another song sorted!

That’s the date that I last smoked a bifta ! – So on my birthday, I’ll have gone three whole weeks without any wacky baccy ! – Except, that since my birthday is a special occasion, and I’m hosting a party at my place – I’m actually gonna buy a tenner’s worth of green and chill out !

So, since I’m uploading my new album tomorrow – and I’ve started writing songs and doing vocals for a new band – I thought now would be an ideal time to start a blog (something I’ve been meaning to do for a while). The idea is that it will keep me focussed on quitting that nasty stuff once and for all.

The motivation for deciding to quit was actually for financial reasons. I was spending over £60 on cannabis every month – and since I’m going through a VERY EXPENSIVE divorce right now – and the electric bills for my four PC’s is higher than my head on a Saturday night (LOL) – I need to cut back and save money.

Plus, I’m studying to be a teacher and I don’t think it’d be right for me to sneak off into the playground for a sneaky smoke every day at school. So here comes reality to slap me right in the face like a wet fish….

SIDE-EFFECTS?
It sounds easy enough sure – and everyone says that marijuana isn’t addictive, but you become dependant on it – and the withdrawal symptoms are a real bitch!

For the first three days I was climbing the walls. Every time my computer crashed it was “the end of the world”, I was reduced to a 3 year old child throwing a major tantrum! Stress is just totally unmanageable when you have to deal with it without the numbing effects of my self-medication.

The next couple of days, I felt fine funny enough. A little more stressed out and less able to deal with disappointment or imperfection – bit I’m pretty useless at both of those anyway to be honest. But what surprised me was the other side-effects.

I started smoking this stuff about 7 years ago, and have smoked it in large quantities on a daily basis. I tried to quit it twice in that time, once with my girlfriend (soon to be my x-wife now) – which was totally impossible since she was like a raving lunatic without the stuff.

The other time was not long after we split up. I had this self-righteous head on, and I was going to beat it once and for all. Both times I quit smoking everything (even cigarettes), but had the help of nicotine patches which make you very sleepy and give you freaky dreams.

This time, I thought I’d continue smoking cigarettes – and just cut the weed out of my life. One step at a time…

The worst side-effect I’ve experienced so far is sleeplessness! – I can not sleep for all the toffee in the world. For the past two and a half weeks, my sleep patterns have gone haywire on me, and since I still have to get up for work every day – that’s a real problem!

Example: The night before last, I didn’t get tired until 3:00am – had to get up by 8:00am (so I only got 5 hours sleep). Last night, I didn’t get to sleep until 4:30am (so I only got 3 and a half hours kip!)

I don’t really wanna take sleeping tablets, cause either I’ll sleep past my alarm clock and miss work, or I’ll probably end up getting addicted to THEM (knowing me!) So I bought some Karms from the pharmacy when I picked up my migraine prescription.

I don’t think it’s helping much yet. It’s 00:10 as I write this now, and I feel awake enough to run a half-marathon (despite my lack of sleep) – oh and I have an exam at 8:00am on my birthday, so I have to get up earlier than I do to go to work!

Maybe I should try and score that green tomorrow, so I can smoke a little before bed on Thursday night – and hope it knocks me out for my exam the next day.

The other side-effect is feeling sick. Right now I’m drinking milk because I feel like I’m gonna hurl! – I probably won’t – but that’s a shame, cause feeling sick is worse than the act of vomiting itself. (Except when it gets stuck in your nose – I hate that!)

Anyway, I’m gonna finish watching the movie I started watching hours ago, and make a rolled-up cigarette – I’m smoking more than I did before I quit – but at least I’m only smoking tobacco!

PS: Another side-effect is the over-use of exclamation marks when writing blogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_.-= cd =-._

If you’re gonna take drugs, take them responsibly! (…and buy them off me! – I need the cash!!!!!)